Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
