[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed