[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Somebody’s lying.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Hard not to take this personally
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.