Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
You Might Also Like
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles