Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
How do I get a job writing these texts
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Lol
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self