Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
here we go again
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol