Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

👍

🙀🙀🙀😹

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.