Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.