Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

I feel it

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer