*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You Might Also Like
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.