*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I love this❤️😁👍
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.