Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.