i will avenge u mr van gogh
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing