*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape