*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My favorite farside!!
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.