Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Who called it baking and not making love
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Every photo I’m tagged in
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
For the orator and chef in all of us
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?