*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana

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I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.


HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
HR: …
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.


Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.


My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you


Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem


At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?


You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.