can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
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I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.