A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You Might Also Like
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
sensitive skin
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone