*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
You Might Also Like
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I鈥檇 like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Maintaining the universe鈥檚 equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you鈥檙e going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I鈥橪L GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
2020 was the worst escape room I鈥檝e ever done.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I鈥檓 serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
doctor: I鈥檝e never lost a patient and I鈥檓 not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I鈥檓 going to need a moment here.
it鈥檚 so hard to see someone else living your dream
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.