*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.