Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[first day as midwife]
Dr: take a look at this cervix
Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.