@heatherlou_

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

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@sip_at_home_mom

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

@JimmerThatisAll

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

@KBChicken75

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

@BoomBoomBetty

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@KissabiX

[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?

@Darlainky

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.