*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all