Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

My birthstone is pecan pie.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.