*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits