Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

fair

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.