Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

We need it on priority

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.