[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens