*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you