*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
don’t be scared
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Monday Lisa
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.