*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Is your wife single?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax