*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
screw you
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE