[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?