Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap