Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Nose

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes