Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
spot the difference
Can. I. Help. You.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.