Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

The second world war should have been called world war returns

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.