Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

just having fun

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.