Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*