Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time