sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You Might Also Like
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
What happened to the other hiker??!
October already? What’s next? November????
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.