sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Oh yeah that’s it
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal