sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You Might Also Like
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’