Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?