Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

necessity is the mother of invention

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3