Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.