Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Blocking someone isn’t enough. You have to hire a bunch of singing clowns to finish the job

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.