Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
I feel seen.
felt that
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”