[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Grandpa
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes