[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.