[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.