Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

next question.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.