[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
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gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Saw your ex at the shops
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Current mood: Potato
When the stylist spins you back around
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks