@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

You Might Also Like

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30

@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

@Mikecanrant

Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

@cravin4

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

@JODYHiGHROLLER

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

@huntigula

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

@robfee

Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.

@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

@PatsATweetin

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?