Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

watergate? u mean a dam??

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

secret recipe

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*