“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.