Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

there has never been a better use of this meme

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Happy Thanksgiving

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.