Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck