*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I needed a laugh this morning.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
oppen heimer style lol