@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

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@JoeRegular4

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@CrissieC

I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.

@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@Sickayduh

This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.

@vangobot

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck