*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.