*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Meow?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.