*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You Might Also Like
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hear me out: WrestleVania
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Stop being racist to kettles.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.