*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.