Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Happy Febuary everyone!

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day