Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

🤣

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa