Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag: