@MarylandMudflap

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

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@_lizharvey

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.

@astutenewf

13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@OutOfLeftField_

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

@Lhlodder

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@FU_TangClan

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?