I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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13: Dad, What’s detour mean?
Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.
what do u call a sleeping pizza
ha ha haha
someone date me plss
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.
All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?