[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”