[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
The cycle continues
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The asteroid..
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Software Development ⛵️
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.