Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
#parenting
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?