{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Lmfaoooooo
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year