New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I think this cat is broken
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.